Don\’t click to see more if you don\’t want to get depressed. I just have to let it all out. I have to write this down before I forget this all happened or twirled in my head.

I warned you.

I\’m so irritated, sad, mad, depressed that I have a baby and I can\’t take care of her the way I want to. This pain sucks eggs and I\’m so freaking tired of it. I want to play around with Malia and roll around with her on the floor and carry her on my hip everywhere. Take her for walks in the nice sun outside. Crawl with her on the carpet and clap hands and laugh. But I can\’t. I\’m trying to get the apartment in order, finish the filing, fix and organize Malia\’s clothes, unpack, wash clothes and watch her at the same time, but I have to take lying down breaks on the sofa just until the wave of pain passes. Sometimes it feels like it takes forever to pass. I\’ve stopped taking the pain pills because I don\’t want to pump and dump and give Malia the bottle. Wonder why I had no pain during my vacay in Guam? Because I was taking Bex*tra daily. I\’d be dead meat if I didn\’t take it every morning. Thanks to my doctor, I was given a couple weeks of \”trial\” pills because my insurance wouldn\’t cover it. I took the last pill on Friday and VOILA! Pain. Quick huh?

Jerry keeps telling me to quit it. Quit feeling bad because of this damn condition. Quit saying sorry for putting him and Malia and my family through this. Everytime it hits, it\’s like I\’m freaking useless. I hate not being able to take care of things and my family. It\’s getting real old. I pray to God that the appointment tomorrow goes well and that we can schedule the surgery soon enough so that the pain could be held back for just a few weeks, months if I\’m lucky. Tired of hearing this over and over again yet? You can leave now.

So here\’s the tentative plan after the surgery. We\’ll see if the doctor thinks we should do the transfer of the last two embryos this summer, fall or winter. I\’m pretty sure the surgery will be scheduled before summer. Then when our lease is over on the apartment, which is in December, we\’re going to move back in with my parents to save money for get this, another in-vitro procedure. Yes, we\’re going to try for more. A fertile husband and his infertile wife are going to try again. We don\’t want to give up after the last transfer. And if we go broke in the process of achieving a large family, so be it. I\’m a bit pissed because the work at home jobs that I was going to apply for when I came back from Guam were gone when I returned. So I\’m still looking for more openings elsewhere. I\’d only be able to work after 6pm, when Jerry gets home. So we shall see how that goes.

My parents and Jerry\’s mom are being so uber-supportive when it comes to helping us break even. We have to pay almost 5 grand to get our house in Guam rentable again. We lost our last tenant because of the no air-con issue. We have to install a new 5-ton air conditioning unit and replace 4 windows and fix 2 leaks. Thanks to Jerry, Simeon and his brother\’s hard work, they water-blasted and painted the house themselves so that we didn\’t have to pay someone to do it. My parents and Jerry\’s mom loaned us some money until we can get our refund to help pay for the house expenses. I hope to God that we can find a tenant soon. Paying for the mortgage and the rent for this apartment at the same time really sucks.

My parents were extremely supportive when we asked them if we could move back in next winter. Almost ecstatic. They know we want more children and a bigger family and having their support helps make our dreams possible. Jerry\’s mom, on the other hand, is not so. When we were on Guam, she FINALLY heard the pregnancy and birth ordeal. She didn\’t know about all the bleeding, water breaking, bedrest, preterm labor, emergency c-section, extra hospital stay stuff. So when she finally heard about it all, she said \”No more! No more!\” She\’s afraid I\’d die in our quest to have more children. I\’m not afraid to though. I will if I have to. Really. But I\’m sure it won\’t go that far right? Well, we didn\’t to tell her about all this stuff when it happened anyways because we knew that she\’d over-stress about it. Sigh.

How dumb is it that we want so many children, but can\’t afford to, but can\’t make them naturally, but can\’t take care of them properly because of a f&*#ing condition that sucks. Sucks sucks sucks.

Oh, the Guam experience wasn\’t too bad. The wedding went very well. It took a lot of nightly meetings, to do lists and last minute scrambling and help from family and friends to get it just right. I\’m glad it\’s over. BTW, there are pictures of them in the photogallery. There are other pics of the Guam vacay in there as well. Everyone just adored Malia and kept saying how sweet she is. And everyone was saying how thin and fit Jerry looked. People didn\’t comment too much on the fact that my body has expanded. But they still did. And can I say that it was very uncomfortable that people kept mentioning that my boobs were big. As if I didn\’t notice. They\’re for the baby dude. Back off. I guess some people are just blunt like that. \”Wow, you\’re still big huh?\” \”Man, your boobs haven\’t gone back down yet?\” \”So, you can\’t lose ALL that weight yet cause you\’re still breastfeeding huh?\”

And Continental Airlines. Stupid insane Continental Airlines. We\’ve never ever had problems with them until this trip. And it was A LOT of problems. Jerry called weeks in advance to speak to the agents about taking Malia with us on the trip. They said that since Malia was a lap baby, all we\’d have to pay was for the tax to have her travel, which was about $27. No biggie. So they gave us her confirmation number and they said that all we\’d have to do it pay for it at the ticket counter when we were checking in and we\’d get her boarding pass. Sounds reasonable right? So I asked Jerry a few days before we were to leave to call and confirm all this. He called and all was well and jolly. Ya ya ya. So we get to the ticket counter after we check in on the 11th on January and they tell us that we have to pay 10% of my ticket to have Malia travel with us as a lap baby. $220. Yup. So after much upset and misinformation and (gee, I\’m not sure who told you that but that\’s not really how it\’s supposed to be), we paid the $220 and went on our way. Jerry was upset because he wasn\’t going with us. He\’s leaves on the 19th. While still here in Portland, he emails Continental and tells them about the situation. Someone calls him that ALL the agents were wrong. That Malia was traveling internationally so we had to pay 10% of the highest ticket price. If we were flying domestically, we\’d have to just pay the tax. But even if we ended up doing it that way and flying through Honolulu instead of through Narita, we\’d still have to pay the 10% because we used reward points and miles to pay for my ticket. What the f*#& then? WHY PUT THINGS ON YOUR CREDIT CARD TO GAIN POINTS AND PAY FOR A TICKET TO GAIN MILES IF IT\’D BE THIS MUCH HASSLE AND HEADACHE? So after the conversation, they gave us half our money back. $110. Not too bad despite the hassle that happened at the airport. So moving on. We did the wedding and Guam and visiting family and friends thing. Then we went to the airport on the morning of the 31st to check in to leave Guam. They won\’t give us Malia\’s boarding pass. They said that on the computer, it said we paid the $220 for her ticket in Portland but they need to see a paper ticket in order to give us the boarding pass. WHAT THE F*#&!!!!! We had no paper ticket. We had a receipt and the itinerary that said BOARDING PASS on it from Oregon but that was packed away with all the receipts from the trip in our luggage, which already was checked in and already went through security. They never mentioned to us after we checked in in Portland to keep those with us in order for Malia to get her boarding pass in Guam. So Jerry and I were irate. No. He was irate and I was crying uncontrollably. We asked to speak to the supervisor and she said the same thing the agent said to us. GAH!!!!!! IF IT SHOWS THAT WE PAID FOR IT ON THE COMPUTER AND OUR NAMES AND CONFIRMATION CODES MATCH WHY NOT JUST GIVE US THE FREAKIN\’ BOARDING PASS?!?!?!!? So they just basically are telling us to pay the $220 again. AGAIN. OMG. If we don\’t pay for it then our daughter can\’t fly with us. Get it? Pay or leave your daughter here. Yay for customer service! So Jerry is over-pissed and I continue to cry. And we just end up paying for the ticket again. And then after all that – they say, \”Sorry about all this.\” I just wanted to flip out right there but was afraid they\’d take me away in a straight jacket. To make matters worse. There was a Continental employee checking in at the same time we were. She was out of uniform but had a Continental badge on her. When the agent we were speaking to was calling for the supervisor, the bee-otch decided to say to the agent, \”These people giving you a hard time huh?!\” FLIP OUT. I didn\’t, but was so close to it. I\’ve never felt so horrible.

There, I\’m done. For now.

*big-ups to Malia sweetheart for taking her afternoon nap so mommy could vent a bit*